


I swear I'd love you right

by rainbowrabblerouser



Series: unique POVs [3]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Based on a Taylor Swift Song, Character Study, Childhood Sweethearts, Crying, First Kiss, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, Jared Kleinman Angst, Jared Kleinman Has ADHD, Jared Kleinman Is Bad at Feelings, Love Confessions, M/M, Melancholy, Post-Canon, evan got hot, jared is upset, projecting onto jared
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-21
Updated: 2020-04-21
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:07:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23765089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainbowrabblerouser/pseuds/rainbowrabblerouser
Summary: Jared spends a lot of time crying over Evan.Evan seeks him out and has something to say.
Relationships: Evan Hansen/Jared Kleinman
Series: unique POVs [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1710451
Comments: 2
Kudos: 68





	I swear I'd love you right

**Author's Note:**

> "Back to December" 
> 
> "The Story of Us"
> 
> \- T.Swift
> 
> "Thinking of You" - Katy Perry
> 
> "Save Your Tears" - The Weeknd
> 
> "EARFQUAKE" -Tyler the Creator
> 
> "Circles" - Post Malone
> 
> "We Don't Talk Anymore" - Charlie Puth & Selena Gomez

It’s an easy thing to realize.

He’s in love.

Nothing new.

Just a fact.

So when Jared thinks about Evan when he’s at camp, he doesn’t feel anything different.

Except he shouldn’t be.

Remembers what Evan told him when he first caught him crying over him.

They always ended up crying because of each other. It was a positive feedback loop.

Like a melancholic chain reaction.

“Save your tears for another day.”

Jared wants to live by those words.

But he just can’t. It fucking hurts too much.

Evan was able to do something no one had ever done to him.

He broke his fucking heart.

Jared thinks about him when he’s with some other guy at camp. 

  
When he spots a familiar shade of blue. 

_“Ev blue”_ is what he calls it. Like some pretentious fucking color– like blood orange.

And that stupid green. The color that was his to match Evan’s blue fucking eyes.

He wants to kill something. But instead he just cries his eyes out when the guy leaves.

It’s not like any fucking with some rando could compare to just being with Evan.

They had kissed just a bunch of times. “For practice purposes” is what his excuse was.

He just didn’t want to go to jail, having never kissed before.

Evan melts into his touch, then one thing leads to another and–

surprise! 

Evan Hansen is a top. And a really good one, as a matter of fact.

Jared’s fucking pathetic for being heartbroken over him. But it made sense.

He’s a fucking loser, a teenage dirtbag.

A repressed gay kid who would cry himself to sleep often, in fear that he’d die alone.

He’s the guy who never had a crush on a girl because he “doesn’t like the drama” and “already likes someone else” – Evan.

Evan is his first kiss, first fuck, first everything.

He was still in love with him.

But Jared is more than that.

He’s more than the stupid tech liaison of their dumb suicide project.

Jared Kleinman is not a quitter.

He is smart and capable and moving out of here to Palo Alto, California–

a place where a kid offing himself is just normal and not big-hitting news.

But he is also fucking hollow.

He doesn’t want to feel anything so he is just numb. 

Jared would never want Evan to see him feel anything. That would be foolish.

Evan doesn’t deserve to see the damage he has done. On him. On his feelings.

On Jared’s fucking real heart.

Oftentimes, he catches himself daydreaming.

About what it would have been like had they handled everything differently.

And Connor didn’t kill himself.

He means, seriously, he picked the worst fucking time to do it.

At least Jared’s not the type to be excited about homecoming or prom. Those jocks threw fits over a dead emo kid turning their swag off, while Jared was vying for Evan to sleep closer to him when they shared his bed during their “sleepovers” (Evan’s words).

When he sees him at a family-friend event, he looks the other way.

“Don’t leave. It’s my fault.”

Of course, Evan had cornered him.

At his cousin’s birthday.

Happy Fucking 15th, Neil! Your gay cousin is upsetting your other gay family-friend.

Enjoy the ice cream cake and the Post Malone blasting on the speakers.

_**Runaway, but we’re running in circles…** _

Oh, kill Jared now. Spare him the embarrassment of talking to this guy.

His childhood sweetheart, his only crush, his first love, no, his only almost.

Evan grabs his hand, and he surprisingly doesn’t swat it away.

Jared has to look at him.

He looks good. Healthier, like he had been actually eating and sleeping and taking his damn meds.

They both needed them. Jared has ADHD and depression.

But he looked like shit in his opinion.

Ever since the daydreaming and the crying came back, he hardly slept and had episodes of binge-eating that switched with periods of only eating ice.

Sometimes, when he was too lazy to walk to his dad’s cellar, he’d just drink mouthwash.

It tasted pretty good when he didn’t have to throw it back up.

“Jared.”

“What is it, Ev? Here to have me write some letters to ghosts?

Maybe have me handwrite them this time? Make it more personal.”

“No,” Evan’s eyes pierce into him. Like blue icicles that stabbed at him. 

Jared relaxes into his touch. He’s still got his hand in his.

“What is it, then?”

Evan takes him outside. They’re alone.

Of course, he looks fucking radiant under the fairy lights.

His eyes even sparkle and Jared wants to punch him in his perfect face.

“Look, Jare. I’m sorry. For everything. I just really miss you. I want you back.”

Jared rolls his eyes.

It has been nearly half a year.

Jared didn’t even call on his birthday. They behaved like ex-lovers.

He felt like a scorned one. Maybe it would have hurt less had they actually been something.

But no, they have a label up in the air.

Family-friends.

Almosts.

Nothing.

“Evan.”

He stops rambling to look at Jared.

Evan takes a second to notice that he looks like a mess, dark circles under his eyes, hair askew, tears slowly flooding his eyes.

“Jared, what’s wrong?”

He wants to pull away. They’re too close. 

Sometimes, he had dreamed of this. Evan begging for forgiveness and standing close.

But now that he had it, he didn’t appreciate it anymore. He doesn’t want it.

It’s too much. 

Yet it’s still not enough for him.

“I need to say something. Before you turn me away. Before I never see you again.”

He leans into his personal space, just like before. And he lets him like he always will.

Jared feels his breath hitch before he knows it.

All he can look at are the blues that reflect off his eyes and those freckles and his sandy brown hair and how the lights of reds and purples and oranges look on his face.

Like he’s perfect. Out of his dream.

He’s not real.

Soon, Jared would wake up in his lonely bed and he'd find that his tears had burned into his skin and stained his pillows once again.

And Evan would be one call away, but he’s too cowardly to confront him with his heart.

“It’s such a shame.”

Is what he can muster.

Jared’s finally said something.

In the silence that the wind blisters through.

“Evan, we don’t talk anymore. And now you find me. Catch me alone. In a crowded room, while we’re not speaking. So you can tell me something?”

He feels Evan reach out and take his face in his hands.

It’s the warmth he missed.

The soft feeling that Evan could be his. Could.

And the tenderness of his touch. The type that he’d yearn for late at night. When Evan used to hold him through his nightmares and he’d wrap his arms around Evan after a panic attack. Or the way you couldn’t tell where he ended and Evan began when they decided to start experimenting with each other.

How he’d let Evan dominate him however he wanted and he never wanted it to end.

But those emotions shouldn’t make him feel anything.

It’s wrong and stupid and not funny and just painful.

Because it hurts to become. 

It hurts to love.

That’s what Jared wholeheartedly believed.

Until Evan leans down to give him the longest, most passionate, most desperate, and roughest kiss he had ever given him.

Jared instantly leans into him and melts as he wraps his hands around his neck.

Then, when they have to pull away for air, Evan says what he had been waiting to hear for his entire life and regrets never admitting to his face.

“I love you. Still.”

All he can say as he looks him up and down, searching for sincerity and deception is:

“I know.”

But he couldn’t be anymore unsure in his life and he kisses him again.

Evan pushes him against the post behind him.

And Jared melts into him.

Like he would forever.

Because he has a soft spot for Evan.

And he always will.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> tumblr: @rainbowrabblerouser
> 
> I projected real hard because I cried for half an hour before writing this.
> 
> I had my own Evan once. But she's long gone and I can't ever get her back.
> 
> And she can never know how I felt.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed my pain.
> 
> :D


End file.
